The Conversation, NOT ” The Talk”

The Conversation, Not the Talk... When my son turned ten and entered 5th grade, during the summer, we had what many parents call “the talk”.  It is the classic father-son moment talking about birds and bees.  You can picture the scene sitting on his bed, talking about all the details of life and answering a variety of interesting, often hilarious questions. Looking back at that moment now, when he was a teenager and in high school, we both laugh a bit now.

While this was, in some ways, a mind-blowing moment for my son, it was not a complete surprise.  It was more than a formal, sterile classroom lecture; instead, it was more like a fill-in-the-blank, open-book quiz.   It was not a surprise because it started when he was a toddler and has continued ever since. Even now, as he is in his teenage years, walking through the daily conversations and influences around him. There were a few awkward and funny moments at the time as we filled in the blanks between two pieces of information.  There were a couple of “Let’s wait and talk more about that later.” Since then, every couple weeks, in the car, before bed, or at other moments he has had a “Hey, Dad, I have questions…” Our ongoing conversation with that as the pivotal discussion moment opened the wider, long-term, more informed discussion in our father-son relationship.

Many parents dread the moment that is coming in the late elementary years.  They sidestep questions, turn off TV shows and movies, and even work overtime to whitewash things with cute terms.  There is a true nervousness and honest-to-goodness fear among parents about all of this. Even as a youth pastor for over 28 years, I am amazed about how many middle school students I have had whose parents have still not talked to their children about sex.   I have even had a couple of parents over the years call and request that my wife or I would do it for them!

Talking to your children about sexuality and their body is more than a “talk” or “the talk.”  Talking to your children is a long-term conversation and discussion.   This conversation starts early and continues through to their wedding day.  This is not a one-time one-and-done talk.

In a changing and shifting culture of sexuality, children will hear and see things earlier and earlier.   Our role as parents to be open and available to explain and answer questions before school even starts.

Sexuality and our body are not dirty or bad things if seen through God’s plan and His word. After all, we are the “Temple of the Holy Spirt” and “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made”.  We as parents cannot fall for the same lies as the world, just from the other side.  If your child’s sexual discovery is a conversation, not a talk, they will know that they can ask you any question at any time, and you will be honest with them.

Our children, teens, and young adults need to be comfortable with their bodies in a God-honoring way.  They need to know what is happening to their body as it changes and develops in healthy, age-appropriate ways.   They need to make the connection to God, their changing body, and God’s gift of sex, while parents tie it to God’s words about marriage.

A couple of quick key hints and helps:

• The conversation starts during potty training as a toddler discovers their body.
• Have appropriate touch conversations early on for themselves and others.
• Teaching modesty is more than a clothing choice.
•  Be age-appropriate and developmental stage-appropriate.
• Use correct terms and not cute made-up names.
• Pace your conversation throughout childhood into adolescents and up to their wedding.
• Answer the questions that are being asked and wait for the next question to gauge how much information is needed to be shared.
• Be prepared to discuss alternate lifestyles and sexuality as it comes up or is recognized socially.
• Listen, don’t always talk.  Listen for feelings, attitudes, ideas, and comfort levels.
• Use and refer to the Bible often as a foundation for conversations. 
• Ask about what other peers are saying to find out about misconceptions or confusion.
• The conversation is different from child to child and gender to gender in the same family. 
• The conversation needs to change and, in some ways, end once they are married.  Your adult child’s sex life needs to be kept sacred between them are their spouse.
• Finally…Pray for, with, and about your child’s mind, heart, emotions, and sexuality!

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