Hiding in the Bathroom?

Engaging Middle Schoolers in Small Groups (Because Let’s Be Honest — It’s Hard)

She stared at me, full attitude and eye-roll, like only a middle school girl can. We’d broken into small groups a while back, and when I asked why she wasn’t in hers, she said she didn’t want to go. Not because she lacked opportunity—she had a good group, solid leaders, classmates she liked. Nope.

She’d been ducking into the bathroom each week instead, biding out the small-group time!

If you work with middle schoolers, you’ve probably been there (or will be). Small groups are a rite of passage in youth ministry, but for many of these kids, they’re confusing — or worse, boring. The good news is, there are three key areas you can focus on that really help get them to show up and stay engaged. (Yes, even the eye-rollers.)

1. Positivity — Because Middle Schoolers Smell Boredom From a Mile Away

• Show the excitement. If your leaders are pumped, students pick up on it. Think pre-group pep talk, goofy enthusiasm, energy that says, “Small group? Heck yes.”

• Foster connection. A lot of these kids live through screens. Small groups are a rare chance for genuine face-to-face human interaction. Establish some “phones off” moments. Let conversation happen — not just announcements or teaching, but real talk.

• Let faith feel real. When faith is talked about in a way that feels relevant to their lives, not just church stuff, that draws them in. Small-group time is one of the most powerful places to live out real faith, not just hear about it.

2. Privacy — Safe Spaces Where It’s Okay to Be Weird

• Create safety. These kids are in flux: trying to be more independent, still needing protection. A small group needs to be somewhere they know they can be honest, not judged. Trash the idea that “everyone’s perfect.”

• Build trust. What’s said here stays here (with obvious exceptions, like harm). Let them know this. It’s not fake secrecy — it’s respect, trust, space to show up raw.

• Go slow. In the first few weeks? Don’t expect them to spill their hearts. Start small: icebreakers, funny games, “what-if” stuff. Over time move to deeper stuff.

• Stay consistent. It’s not just Sunday (or Wednesday). Follow up. Notice when someone’s missing. Be part of their lives beyond the “program.” That’s where trust gets cemented.

3. Parents — Your Secret Allies

• Partner early. Parents still call many of the shots—transportation, schedules, what their kid’s allowed to do. If they buy into what you’re doing, the students are much more likely to show up and commit.

• Communicate clearly. Let parents know what small groups actually are, what you expect, how you’ll lead. Share highlights. Invite their questions. Make them feel part of the process, not just bystanders.

• Make small groups a priority. If parents see this as just another optional thing, it becomes optional. But if you help them see the value — that’s where the magic happens. Tell stories. Share wins. Show how this group time matters, not just for church, but for life.

At the end of the day, middle schoolers don’t need perfect leaders — they need present ones. Keep showing up, stay positive, protect their trust, and invite parents to partner with you. The bathroom-hiders might just become your most engaged group members yet.